Sunday, December 6, 2009
No matter how many times I get hurt, I still go out looking for more. And I always end up finding a band-aid. You cover up the scratch so I don't have to look at it, and maybe even help dull the pain. I can go on and be happy because you hide everything ugly underneath your promise to heal. But I can still feel the throb. At least for awhile. Some days I even think, you've fixed it, and I'll rip you right off and be fine. Then when I take a peek, just to see if it's gone, I find it still hurts. Back at square one. The place where I realize that the band-aid won't make it go away. You're only temporary and you can't make it better. You see, the problem with band-aids is they're no good unless you've got a scratch that needs patched. Without the scratch, it means nothing at all.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
You are always full of promises...shining and hopeful one moment and then dark and empty the next. Some mornings I wake up thinking you are the only one I can depend on, and other days I don't want to come out of the covers because you're so bleak. I want to sit down with you and force you to give me all the answers to all my questions, but then I realize answers would only lead to more questions and I'd be left more lost than I was before. Sometimes it's just better not knowing. But the unknown nature you carry with you makes me feel like I'm jumping out of a plane without a parachute. It's exciting for a little while, but once the ground gets close reality knocks the wind out of my lungs like a ton of bricks and I just want it all to be over. I want to stop falling. And I want a parachute. It was stupid to jump in the first place without one, but I got tired of waiting. Always waiting.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
You are as complicated as it gets, but I can't decide if I despise or pity you most. When I think about you, I wonder what happened to make you the way that you are. I wonder if someone tricked you so bad that you started doing it so no one else could hurt you again. But it's not making you happy. You might be able to trick everyone else, but you're not fooling me. You can laugh, joke, smile, and pretend all you want...but it's not going to work. You can't make the pieces fit. Maybe if you'd stop putting up that carefully constructed facade you always have, you'd finally see that it's not so bad. It's not so bad to just be yourself. To let your guard down. To stop thinking about every consequence and just live in the moment. I can't lie and say that you won't get hurt, but sometimes the hurt is worth it. Sometimes you have to get hurt before you can heal and become stronger. I hope you find happiness. You deserve it. I just wish I could make you see.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
You sat in my desk for so long, it almost feels empty now that you're not in the drawer. I was so used to opening it up and seeing you sitting there on top. You were always on the top of the pile, the top of my list, the top of everything. I imagined the words enfolded in your envelope were everything I would ever need to hear. I really thought that you were perfext. No mistakes, no blemishes, no scribbles. You were almost too perfect. But one day I left. I left the drawer. I'd tried doing it before...so many times. But this time it worked. I left, and when I came back the letter was gone. I was so afraid I'd miss it once I got back. That I'd want to cry everytime I opened the drawer and feel the loss of the perfect letter. But I never did. I made new letters instead. Maybe even better letters, because they weren't so perfect. I knew the handwriting better, recognized the familiar scrawl, and felt the reality of the words. So, even though I'm better off now, I still remember that perfect letter. It's not as tragic as I always thought it would be, because it was never real to begin with. I can look back and be grateful for what it taught me. I am stronger...but still not perfect. Luckily, now I don't have to be.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I think I've always liked you most. Better than all the rest. You don't hurt my feelings, you don't consume all my thoughts, you don't make me feel worhtless, you don't intimidate me, you don't play with my emotions, you don't send mixed signals, you don't require me to be anything. I miss you more than anyone, because I when I don't have you around everything seems alot harder. Why do I always end up going back to a stove that keeps burning me? I get tired of exhausting all my energy when it amounts to nothing. No matter what I give, it's never enough. But I know I can always depend on you...not to care. It's such a relief. No pretenses, no analyzing, no games, no worries. Just be. Then again, what's the point if you eventually don't feel anything at all?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I can't stand the way you run through my mind until it makes my head hurt. But I don't want to turn you off either. No matter where I go or what I do, you're still playing. Sometimes it makes me happy, sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me scared, but most of all it makes me feel. I can't pretend to be numb when you're on repeat. Then I remember you are most likely an innocent bystander. It's not your fault I can't flip the switch. You're just a little record going on and playing your little song. I'm not the only one that's noticed. You're practically a bestseller, no one can get enough of you. So what makes me think I can keep you all to myself? I race around constantly, hoping that if I move fast enough, the music won't go away. But eventually it'll leave. It always does. Until then I'm just left pressing buttons: rewind, replay, rethink, reanalyze, fast forward, skip...but never stop.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I knew from almost the moment I met you, you were going to be a problem. I knew it was no good getting anywhere near you, so I stayed away. But just because you stay away, it doesn't mean you can't get stuck. And stuck I got. I wish I could just settle with tape or something and get over you, but for some reason I just like glue. I like everything about glue, which is probably why I always end up in this sticky situations. But glue has a tendency to make my head spin when I get it in large doses. I keep thinking that you'll do something horrible enough to finally convince me to let go...maybe go attach yourself to some obnoxious sequins since that seems to suit your fancy. But I still find myself going back anyway. You compliment every interest in my life, and yet infuriate me with it at the same time. You're a schmooze...glue schmoozes with everything. You'd think it could just settle with paper since they work so well together, but glue never seems happy enough with just paper. It has to go and attempt to adhere to every material possible. Well I'm tired of being the paper.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
So it took me awhile to realize how much I really liked you. I always liked you, but it didn't hit me how much until it was practically too late. I got distracted with someone else, but clearly you were better. Sometimes I thought I caught your attention, but I pushed it out of my head because I knew there were other complications. Then it got more complicated and I realized there wasn't a chance. But I am a girl, and we always dwell on the impossible and analyze all those stupid things you never thought any one would pay attention to. I'm trying to stifle any thought of you these days, just because it gets unbearable sometimes. But now I'm stuck wondering what could have happened and wishing I was brave enough. You're like that pair of shoes that goes with everything. It fits just right. One of a kind. But maybe it's too late. Maybe I left the shoes in the back of my closet too long. Or maybe you never fit and all. Maybe I just wanted you to.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
So I'm trying this new thing where I don't talk negatively about people, and let's be honest, it's no easy task. But I'm learning slowly. However, I've been inspired to write letters to people that I would like to say things to but either can't, or won't. And not all bad things, just things. Call me crazy, but I think it has potentially healthy and educational benefits. So basically it's going to be for me, but if someone else learns something along the way, it'll just be an added bonus. Try not to judge me. And I'll probably be using inanimate objects. This should be interesting...